It is never too late to become the person you were meant to be. T.S. Eliot

If you think that perhaps you made a bad choice along the way, there is no law that says you cannot start over again with a different choice and re-map your path in life.

Choose people who build you up. Choose careers that inspire you. Choose educational paths that encourage and inspire you to greater things in line with your goals.

You can anytime day or night decide to choose again and do things differently. Of course, I think of Galen's choices when I read this quote. But my own choices in life often are relevant here as well.

Choose wisely, Grasshopper.

Is there life out there?

Sometimes when you are hurting it is hard to imagine that the pain will subside and life will go on.

But there is life out there.

It is okay if you hurt because someone broke your heart. But that doesn't mean that you can't move on with your life. Look around you. Pick two or three things that you really enjoy and put your energy there.

I am so blessed to have horses in my life again. Riding, training, and the impending birth of our first foal give me great pleasure and satisfaction. Remembering how jealous Galen grew of the time I spent with the horses BEFORE I was on night watch for the birth of Rosa's foal, makes me kind of glad that he isn't in my life now. He would have gone bananas about me checking on the horse every couple hours every night.

Long before Galen came into my life, I was running a business out of my home. Both AdvoCare and Success Promotions take a lot of time to generate an income. Galen was often angry that I had to work at night. I could never have given up a few days at home to go out of town for training. With no Galen in my life I can travel to Atlanta for a few days to obtain my Google Certification.

There are lot of ways that life is better sans Galen. It doesn't mean I don't still love him. But it makes it a lot easier to be oka living without him. Sure, he broke my heart. But he didn't break my spirit or my will.

Dreams

Someone asked me about the dreams about Galen. They are fairly spread out across the board.

One particularly interesting one, he called and told me about a song “He stopped loving her today”. I sang a bar. He said yeah, I’ll come over Thursday and play it for you. Thought it was an especially bizarre dream all in all.

Overall they usually involve conversations. Upon waking I oly remember the gist not the verbatim of them.

Sometimes they are at places we’ve been in the past. A cabin near Boone, NC. A restaurant in Gatlinburg. The barn. Oddly enough, they are never in the same season where we actually were at those places.

The really, really odd thing is that we never fight.

The last dream Galen shared with me

There’s no telling if this is the last dream Galen had about me, or just the last one he shared.

But he pulled up in his car at a pasture where I was riding a horse and rather than ride to him, I kept on going in the opposite direction as he walked up to the gate.

He asked me what it meant?

I thought perhaps it meant when he wanted to come back, it would be to late and I would be moving on. Later I said that knowing that a pasture is fenced in, maybe it meant no matter what direction I moved in, the fence would bring me and the horse back to the gate eventually.

Anybody have any thoughts? Remember this was about a month ago. But while horseback riding today, I remembered Galen’s story about this dream.

When does working through the process become healing?

As I work through this whole process, pieces of it make perfectly rational sense. Yet, I don’t feel any better for knowing that.

I know that the reason I am so hurt is that Galen lied to me and misled me for nearly a year. While I was healing and learning to love myself so that I could love him, he was growing to love someone else. And it goes without saying that I wouldn’t be in this position at all, if he had just been honest with me. Honesty wasn’t for one second a part of his agenda.

When I became so confused and disgruntled with myself a year ago, and I told Galen that I didn’t love him, he was already hanging with Joy. That is why he was so calm. But when he decided to move out of our home, then I started to dig down deep within myself and pick up the pieces of my life that were such a mess and find myself again. In the process I learned to like myself and fell in love with Galen all over again.

Then to acerbate the pain, he waivered bacdk and forth for six weeks first being with me and then being with Joy. It is no wonder that my wounded heart can’t just pick up and go on from here. I am stuck in some terrible empty space where my heart just aches. The more I learn about Joy and all her problems the harder it is to accept that Galen could possibly give up on me and choose her. How can that be? The more it becomes reality that he isn’t with me and he chooses Joy the harder it is to accept it.

Galen has accused me of some awful things. The reality of what I have and haven’t done is so much less. Galen thinks I have something against Joy. Joy is a non-entity to me. The only person that I’m hurting is myself, especially because I cannot let go. There is nothing that I can do to change any of what is going on here. And there doesn’t seem to be anything that I can do to deal with the pain.

I worked so very hard to fix everything that I brought bad to our relationship. Galen hasn’t changed anything about himself. And that is okay with me. I guess.

I suspect that one of the biggest factors going against both Galen and I is a fear of being alone. But there has to be more to this than that. God wouldn’t continue to speak to me of his plans for us, if we weren’t destined to be together. God wouldn’t speak of Galen to me at all, if that were the case.